Laetitia

I had been living at the hostel for several years, earning my keep by cooking, cleaning, changing beds - you know, women's stuff. Today I chambermaided. Walkman on, no hangover, dancing and twirling as I changed the sheets like a flat-footed rhythmic gymnast. Having had sex recently, I was in a buoyant mood and feeling confident. It was almost noon and the 16 bed dorm was empty, so I sang as well. I can't sing. A pair of eyes emerged from under some sheets. Bright, intense. I often don't notice things but these eyes hit me from the far side of the room. I continued, unaffectedly stripping, alittle shaking, a wee hum, working my way methodically to her bunk. She watched me the whole way and I liked it. Walkman off.

"Big night last night?"
"Yes, it's quiet here". (Good, she parties, beautiful accent, sexy)
"Been here long?"
"Yes. I like Edinburgh".
A smile crept thru her tired face. Her eyes shone. She likes me. Or men.
Her English particularly bad, I didn't want to embarass her with further questions.
"My name is Hack"
"Huck?"
"Hack. H-A-C-K, like Jack"
"My name, is Littysear"
"Littysear"
"No, no. Laetitia. LAY-TEE-SHA ". (I'd finished stripping)
"Layteesha,oh well, enjoy your sleep. See ya round"
She smiled again. Good teeth. I don't smile much but it just happened. She had made me happy and it didn't matter if I never saw her again.

That afternoon I worked at the wine shop. Then I saw "Delicatessen" at the Cameo. Stayed awake this time. With me were Leanne and Wendy (Aussies), Shazza (Canada), and Allison, a fellow Kiwi. It was a small cinema that screened "art" movies. The art students always stared at me, I guess they assumed I was gay, I was always with 3 or 5 women. The movie proved to be excellent, the girls were in a good mood, and we went to Smugglers, a new bar, opening night. Managed to get 3 pints down before closing and the smell of varnish helped a bit. The hostel was only 150 yards away, so I knew half the people in the pub. A bunch of us moved on to Sneeky Pete's. Getting a bottle of Newcastle Brown and finding a decent spot to stand took 5 minutes and it wasn't even busy yet. Found myself standing next to Laetitia. She was sitting pretty. Tight jeans, striped top, petite, big tits. I squeezed in next to her. She managed a hello. She was stoned. She was French. I couldn't take my eyes from hers. She stared into space. Eyes flitting and staring at different bits of space around the room. She grabbed my bottle and took a decent swig. We talked a lot. Her English good, maybe because she was pissed. The guys thought I was in. We talked about men. She loves men. All men. And all men are bastards. I began to sober up, because each time I bought her a drink she had half of mine as well.

It ws a 5 minute walk home, thru the hordes of drunken Scots lads and girls. Laetitia smiled and said hi to every boy that walked past. If I wasn't with her she never would've made it home. I felt proud. We found the couch in the darkened common room. I put my arm around her and we talked some more. Philosphy. Sex hadn't entered my head, but I wanted to stay with her. We slept together, leaning on each other, until 6am. Martin woke us and sent us to bed. I was too sleepy to think.

Had my usual 3-4 hours sleep. Did a morning shift at the wine shop, cleaning at the hostel, and then a stint at the Fiddlers Arms pub. It was my first time, and, typically honest, I told the manager I ws an alcoholic. "In this business, who isn't?" he chortled. No one ever takes me seriously. Sometimes advantageous. The night dragged badly - at least if I were at the wine shop I could sneak a drink or three. Not here. Finished at 1am with $20 in my hand and a bunch of new friends - mainly geriatric drunkard regulars. Sneeky's wasn't far and all of last nights crowd were there. Laetitia was there. No one was talking to her. She looked strange, confused. It didn't take me long to realise what was wrong with her. It took me a long time to get her to tell me.

She loves boys, all boys. She had met one the day before, a very nice boy. She went to a big student party this evening at his place. He was very generous, giving her alcohol, hash, speed and acid. Then, thinking it was safe, he tried bedding her. Fuckingboys. She fled to here. The next few hours were a cautious pattern of me watching, drinking and buying drinks, and L staring into space, seing a man there (a terrible bad MAN), trying to reach out and strangle him, falling off her chair, occasionally making sensible conversation, and always rubbing her arm, her needle arm. It was an addictive, compulsive, revolving nightmare until closing. I walked her home, trying to stop her punching walls and jumping in front of taxis. I went straight to bed. She was too much to handle in large doses.

Next afternoon finds me at a large roundabout, counting how many cars go by. It was raining, below zero, and boring. But I have my walkman, Kat is working with me and the pay is very good. Despite my teeth chattering the day was going great - miscounting wasn't even a problem - but then Kat had to go for a pee. We were on the edge of town, surrounded by newly planted fields, no shelter. Nothing blocking the view of truck drivers and Presbyterian grannies. I was in agony watching her crossing her legs, screaming, complaining, trying to last 2 hours until our shift ended.
"Euuoohh Hack!, I'm fucken bursting. I, have, to GOOOO!!"
"Well I guess if you have to go, you have to go."
"You're enjoying this aren't you. Well fuck you too."
She put her walkman back on and quietly squirmed. She lasted an hour 55 and did it in the paddock after all, smiling at the cars.

Went with Martin to the video store.
"So what do ya think about Laetitia?"
"You been the little French chick?, she's very beautiful, Hack, and very fucked in the head. She's worse than Vanessa, and you know how she fucked you up. Forget about her, man, let someone else fuck her."
"You mean like you?"
"Uh-uh, no way."
"So who have you been rooting lately Chief?"
"Nobody"
"That's most unlike you"
"Yeah, maybe I just need a break. Hey, why don't you go for Shazza instead?"
"Nah, I don't think so. She doesn't like me very much. I know it sounds strange but I think she's scared of me. Maybe she's a dyke."
"You know she tried to rape me in Denmark?"
"No way! You fucked Shazza?"
"No. She jumped on me in the tent, but I fought her off. But I reckon you should try, you just have to get her alone, and out of HSH"
"I think I'll stick with the crazy one. How about a French movie tonight?"

I got "Big Blue", the long version. L watched it with me, then we discussed it. She seemed quite intelligent, my opinion of her evolving all the time. The whole drinking flirting hostel gang then went to the Traverse Bar. Not in the mood, I got dragged along. The bar was very crowded, I went all claustrophobic and did my usual trick of disappearing without a word. Had a cheeseburger and waited opposite for them to move on. After an hour or two of self-analysis, in the bitter cold and trenchcoat, I was dragged once more to a club. L was pogoing with joy, she'd missed me terribly and where had I been? "Around" I said glumly, mysteriously. I was last in the queue and left when they had all paid their way in.

There was a party at Mac's place. I had hardly seen him since he left the hostel, and knew none of his new friends. I sat in the corner, hurriedly drinking my supply of Special Brew cans. I was comforted by my first beers of the day, but the students were mind numbingly boring and I was not interested in butting into their conversations. They were all talking about things. Nothing was personal, not one word described feelings, and I was glad I never went to Uni. Eventually Mac passed me a joint and we smoked and had a brief chat. I walked home, sober enough to feel the icy air burning at my face. The rest of me just felt empty.

L was waiting up for me and we sat on the couch and talked thru 'til 7. She was more at peace with herself. She wrote "Laetitia likes Hack" on a piece of card. I replied with "Hack likes Laetitia". I then added "a lot". I think something was happening. Or about to. 7 came quickly and I was on breakfast duty. Put on a tape of soul music. Sang along, jiving, cooking bacon, cooking eggs, serving the young travellers, French, Scandi, German, Ozzie, Kiwi, American. Service with a smile. Hmmm, smiling again, how unusual. I also ate well.

Did sheets. Then Wendy complained of tiredness, so I did her washroom duties as well. "Haven't slept yet" I told her, "But don't worry". Then Shane turned up, back from Turkey. He had been the hostel "stud", the main bedder of itinerant delicacies. I described L to him and he was astounded. Other hostellers were saying "Hi Shane, guess what Hack's been doing?". Everyone thought I was fucking her.

Shane and I were leaning back on the pool table watching a video, when she finally made an appearance. She rushed in and gave me a peck on the cheek, "Bye Hack". I grabbed her arm "WHere?". "I'm going to Paris, see you in 10 days". And off she went. I was puzzled. So was Shane, whose jaw had dropped. Probably got drunk and fell asleep.

Life was comparatively boring for a while. Work, eating, drinking, movies. I wasn't exactly missing L, but I was sure to perpetuate the myth. I wondered what sex with L would've been like, and decided either amazing or dull, one extreme or the other.

Then the 10 days were up. L was back as promised. I didn't know whether to hide or smile. She has a typewriter with her, a little portable job. I didn't ask. That night turned into a bit of a pub crawl. I kept teasingly ignoring her, chatting up other women. It was a fun game and she played it well. Eventually we ended up at Sneeky's (my third late session there in 3 nights). Drank, drunk, sat on couch at hostel til 5. A few people noticed, and were probaly starting to guess our true relationship.

3 hours later I was cooking breakfasts with Scott. He'd also been out very late. We were both still half pissed. It was dark outside and the power was off. Light came from the gas cookers and one candle. We were moving in slow motion. Shadows everywhere. No rock music. Most ambient and druggish. Almost no customers. Got me in the mood and I slept thru 'til early evening. Laetitia nowhere to be found so I got lonely pissed then to the Oyster Bar with mates. A hot Swedish slut was with me, and I couldn't be bothered. It would appear that I'm desperate to get laid, but when it avails itself I choose abstinence. Wendy was serving the beers and it didn't cheer me at all. Think I went to bed at 3.

Now Friday. Don't recall the daytime. Night. Bannermans, then EVOL, a grunge-thrash-dance club. L would sleep in a chair for a couple of songs, then dance for a few. She danced as expected - crazy. I was in the mood for extravagance and danced as crazily as I could. Danced on my knees (have tried this sober and it's impossible). At one point (yes I'm reminiscing) L sat on my knee, bouncing, convulsing rubbing to the beat. My knee just throbbed. This was almost too much for me. I got my arms around her waist, her legs, her chest. A few delicate kisses. Perseverance was finally paying off. Then the song ended. She wouldn't let me touch her. Back on the couch until 6. We philosophised and she told me again how much she liked me. Tried to touch her again. Failed. ANOTHER FUCKING VANESSA!!

Slept 2 hours. Then Wine Well 'til 2. Walked to the video shop and rented a NZ movie. Walked back. Was falling asleep on my feet, so took a few No-Doze. It was 4pm. Then I sat in the old fireplace and drank some beer. Watched the video. Drank more beer. Fortunately there is always enough activity that I can just sit, and sip, and watch. Rebecca turned up - an old flame (ish) now living in London. We organized something for tomorrow night. Bed at 1 for some serious sleeping. Basically didn't see L today.

Now Sunday. Feeling very sleepy all day. Awake is an acquired taste. Made sure I was pissed before Rebecca arrived by downing a few Piraats and Tennants. We had a good chat at the Worlds End. I downed a few Special Brews, I was on a devious roll. I t felt good. Made an excuse to go back to the hostel. To Rebecca's dismay I invited Shane and Michelle to accompany us to the pub. And some other guys. And Laetitia. A few more pubs. Few more beers. Each time we walked, Rebecca held my hand - and I chatted with L. I was being a bastard and enjoying it. Secretly hoping that L would give up and Rebecca would be mine once more.

Rebecca went home early. She had a big day ahead. Sneeky's next. Same old routine. Tried getting close to L. She frigidized. Tried again on The Couch. Failed (she or me?). BITCH. Explained that I was sorry, but she was really pissing me off and I couldn't handle it. Then slept happy now that she would be out of my life.

Monday. A normal Monday but I'm feeling up. Cook brekkie, donate sperm, spend big at supermarket, post a bunch of poems to the USA. Steak and Pinot Noir for dinner. Play 9 games of pool with Martin. Laetitia is watching silently. She looks miserable. I pretend I don't notice, but others noticed me, and noticed her, and noticed us not noticing. Went to bed at an early midnight. Now officially depressed.

A normal Tuesday. Work in Wine Well. Have frankfurters and spaghetti for dinner and some Pinot Noir - my only salvations, meat and alcohol. Oh, if I could just cook and eat and drink all day! Everyone goes to the Oyster Bar. Of course that includes me and L, but not together. I ignored her, started what happened to be a very heavy depression drinking session, and hit on a couple of hostel girls. L beckoned me over. She was basically sober. "The more I drink, the more I resist", she tells me. Maybe she's the Opposite Woman!! She pulls me close and whispers (and French whisperings are a turn on for most men) "I want to fuck you, I want to fuck you, I WANT TO FUCK YOU". Whisperings became yells but she was smiling.
"O.K. When?"
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHEN, YOU FUCKING BOY!" It was liking giving Adam balls and then taking them before he could play with them. We had a few more beers to calm dizzyness and improve her resistance. On the way to Sneeky's, ditto "I want to fuck you". I go to hold her hand/arm and she runs to the middle of the road. If this was a game then she was inherently evil, so I decided on mental imbalance. In Sneeky's I buy a Newcastle Brown, down a third, hand it to L, and leave. Pissed and pissed off.

Next night all the hostellers are at the Music Box. Rob's band were playing. Not really the type of music most of us listen to, but we liked to support him. Family. 2 other bands played. A great mood, Martin making a rare appearance outside the hostel, Pops there too. A night that everyone would look back on fondly. Laetitia was there. I no longer existed. She was dancing (if that's the word), rubbing up against men, teasing every male eye. Apparently she asked each of Martin, Rob, and Pops for a fuck. Each rejected her. She disappeared and came back drunk. Barely upright. She dragged me to a quiet corner and gibberish flowed freely. It was going to spoil a nice evening but I took it upon myself to take her home. Someone had to, she was so vulnerable, I thought. Carried her up the stairs to the street. There we sat a bit while she threw up, wiping her mouth with her jacket sleeve. My jacket. I managed to get her walking and on the way home she told me of a man in Paris. A terrible man, a man who she was hiding from. What he had done was too much for her to speak of. She spoke of suicide. I had heard suicide talk before - she was serious. Her only haven from it all was her precious couch (don"t ask me why). I put her there and she slept immediately.

Upstairs, Martin was back to start his night shift. He asked where L was...
"Downstairs"
"What, on the couch?"
"Yeah. Hey Martin, be easy on her, she's a bit upset"
"No Hack, she can't sleep there any more. It's not allowed"
"But Martin, believe me she needs it. Just tonight O.K?"
Tears were brewing and I was dizzy from piss and emotion.
"She's got a bed, I'll go and shift her. It's my job, and she can't sleep there!!"
Tears spurted from my eyes, soaking my glasses. They'd never flowed like that before!! We sat and discussed it, Martin finally realising how serious I was. He agreed that she could stay there 'til 6, and promised not to touch her.

Martin woke me up at 6, and I woke L. We talked for a few hours. She was quite quiet. I was quiet too - tired. She disappeared to her room and brought back a book. It was in French, a collection of stories. One was hers, the winner of a big competition. She described the plot - a French girl fell for a German soldier (WW2) and she had a very strange and eccentric extended family. It told of how these family members each reacted to the situation. There was an incestuous uncle, a gentle grandfather, a priest etc. I was astonished. She had said she was writing a novel. I'd seen the typewriter, the wad of notes, but only now believed it. How can such an intelligence be inside her? She then described her literary contacts, her upcoming foray in film directing, the money she had made from royalties already. She was only just turned 20. I had to leave her to do a sperm donation and clean washrooms. She got a few hours sleep and was back on the couch, waiting for me, when I had finished. We walked together to the video shop, and for the first time we spoke of personal things. She opened up to me, and I found a whole new side to Laetitia. I told her of my life in New Zealand and she was interested. We discussed movies. We had the same taste. We chose "A World Without Pity", my favourite movie of last year. Hers too. We shared a meal, pasta bolognaise (no wine!), shared the video, lying at the very front of the common room, heads resting against the pool table, staring upwards. Last time I had a day like this was with Vanessa, before I KNEW her. We had a quiet pint at Black Bo's and went to bed early. Real early. Maybe 11pm.

Friday. Work at the Wine Well for the last time. Am heading off to Ireland. Will miss the job, the knowledge of drink, the happy customers. My boss was nothing special. Went with Lachlan to see Wendy and Mick at the Oyster Bar, then to Bannermans, then to EVOL. L was sleepy and therefore not a problem on the dancefloor. Katerina was after me again. She was a beautiful Swede with a stunning bod. I was almost the only hostel boy (Edinburgh boy?) who hadn't been with her. I preferred to be an individual. Julie's Gavin had gone home early. Julie and I danced some and almost kissed during an embrace - I shunned her as I had Katerina. As horny as I was I still wanted the impossible opposite girl, or nothing. Back at the hostel I just missed a brawl between Katerina and Laetitia. Apparently hair tore, chairs flew. The only person who dared, I sat and talked with L. A French lad asked if I wished to go get a kebab with him. But for L, I was hungry and would've. When he returned - no kebab and slashed face - looked at a casual the wrong way. L escorted him to the hospital and interpreter. It was 4.30am. I went to bed at slept readily, things no longer affecting me.

Do 7-9 brekkie. Sleep. Up at 2.30 and start drinking. Tonight is a farewell party at the Tron for Jason and I. We both go (seperately) to Ireland soon. 50 plus people turned up. It was a big night. I escort L to the Tron, have a couple of pints of Special Brew and leave. I really get a kick from snubbing my own parties. Especially when nobody notices. L and I go to Madisons to meet Leanne, Candida, Nick, Chris and some US gals. And Martin. It was one of his rare nights off night-portering. He was going to PARTY. L gets drunk and comes onto me again. I tell her to quit bothering me. Once again she dances and the bouncer bans her from the dancefloor. I was very drunk - 12 hours worth. I go talk to Martin, L is watching us from on top of a 6ft speaker.
"She's really pissing me off again"
"Hack, Hack, why don't you forget about her - she's nothing"
"I'm trying but it's hard"
"Well why don't you fuck her?"
"I've tried. Fuck knows I've tried. She won't let me"
"I could fuck her"
"O.K. then, you have a go. Good luck, you'll need it."
I wandered over to the bar and watched all the metalheads having fun. I saw Martin getting friendly with L. I saw them kiss. I left.

Up at 9. Sad and tired. Decide not to drink today or I'll have difficulty stopping. See "Delicatessen" with Leanne, Cindy, Sian, Amanda etc. (what a stud). For the 3rd time. Play pool with Martin. He's in a good mood. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. He describes his night in vivid detail, forgetting who he is telling it to. This means I'm finally free from her? Don't watch the video because L is. Sit upstairs. Get bored. Open a bottle of Los Llanos, it didn't last long. Then a Santa Claus beer. Then Bannermans with Lachlan, Mick and Chris. About to go to bed at 1 when Darren drags me off to Sneeky's. Get off my face with 3 Oz girls, some holding hands, feeling butts and tits, but then I lost interest. Came home at 3. Threw up outside, in the toilet, and outside again. Bed.

Get some things done. SYHA membership, moneybelt, library, pay cheque, washrooms etc. Get video, groceries. Walking dead tired. Get home at 3.30, about to cook a big meal. Hadn't eaten all day, and had been salivating, dreaming of this dinner, despite the hangover. Wendy, Lachlan and Mick invite me out for one pint at the Oyster Bar. I tried a myriad of excuses but the alcohol won. After several pints we noticed that litres of red wine were on special. Litres were consumed. Went to bed at 9.30. The others continued until morning. Mick spent $50. Just alcohol.

Up at 7 (a decent sleep for once). Sperm donation, sheets, library, lunch - I finally have my big meal. Fusili with onion, garlic, sauce, peppers, mushrooms, mince, wine, HP. Decide to finish off my liquor box. Do. Have a heart to heart with Shazza. We are getting closer. Notice Laetitia by herself, putting on a lonely face. Couldn't handle it, talked to her. She has changed. Much quieter now, inside. We are friends now. Just.

Two nights later was my last night at the hostel. A quiet goodbye drink with Shazza was organized. We wanted more than that. I was to meet her at the Fiddlers Arms, where she worked. Wasn't there and I felt uncomfortable waiting, and I was the one who was late (too much skulling just one more can at HSH) so I went looking for them. Checked every pub in the Grassmarket/Cowgate and gave up. Was heading home and Shazza caught up to me from behind, with some girlfriends. We finally had our quiet drinks, except she had been off drinking too much Dutch courage also. Kept giggling with her friends and I was doubting my chances deeply. We decided to head home at 1, I had resigned. Passed Wendy in a phone booth. She had been trying to find me, all the staff were at Sneeky's for a surprise farewell. Wow, a surprise surprise party. Excellent. A fresh beer makes me very happy, and I'm suddenly awake, alive and sparkling. Then Darren pulls me aside. He's just come from HSH, were L is crying, upset that she couldn't find me. I excuse myself and run (!) back. Not wanting to be away from beer, or Shazza more than is necessary. Told L that I'd miss her, and would say goodbye in the morning. Rushed back to Sneeky's. In those 10 minutes, the mood had changed, and Shazza looked really pissed off. She left, the date was off. I had 2 more pints but they had no effect. Went to bed sober.

Martin woke me up at 5.30, so that I could catch the first bus. Laetitia had been up all night waiting for me. A soft peck on the cheek. And I ambled off for a new life. Never saw her again.