Sun Aug 16
Up real early. It's the first day of the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, so I'm heading there for 3 weeks. It's only one hour from Glasgow to Edinburgh, but it has me in travel mode. Fresh air, dressed for slacker effect, with a half-full pack, my confidence is oozing. In 10 minutes I have a ride. He's forties, single, salesman, and visits Mum in Edinburgh twice a week. She's not too well, you know. I turn conversations to girlfriends, rugby and witchcraft - just in case he is as christian and gay as he looks and acts. I leave him confused in Morningside and walk for 45 minutes to the hostel (where I have spent the majority of my two Scottish years), feeling good about the preparations buzzing in the city. It's only 11am and soon a bunch of us are off to see the big parade. Experience leads us to where it starts from, avoiding the thousands lining Princes St. We just hang around, waiting. Len sits on a wall, happy with the company of his camera and the vibes below and around. Scott and I are sharing witty observations about the locals and the oncoming bagpipes. Geoff is chatting to a redhead with us. I haven't seen her before, and maybe there is something between them. Hard to tell, but I get quite jealous, and start staring at her and her relaxed manner. And her lovely figure and jacket and jeans. And her hair almost perfectly tinged orange and flowing. And grasping at her soft smooth voice. Suddenly Geoff's forehead has a wee hole in it and blood is literally spraying everywhere. An old lady donates some tissue and it eventually stops, but we are discussing it until the end of the parade. Maybe a miniature alien spaceship took a shortcut thru his head, almost lobotomising him? Or something like a brain hemorrhage, could be serious. Etcetera. Sarcastically I asked my pals where Mickey and Santa were. To my surprise they both turned up - the day was taking on a very surreal lean. We walked home thru Waverly Station and I decided to fall in love with this girl, Kathy. We spoke briefly. She left the group to go shopping. The group and I continued home.
At the hostel are numerous free tickets for a brace of free festival acts, and also a note from Wendy: "Hack, lets get drunk on wine." I went to the first show, which was well acted but too tedious considering that I was salivating over the idea of Wendy and alcohol. At the first break I politely bail out and head to the Oyster Bar, it's pretty busy, it's quiz night. I have no difficulty finding Wendy 'coz she's been roped into working behind the bar. I sit on a stool, my long legs forced wide against the bar, my trenchcoat in a heap on the floor. Wendy gets me my first bottle of wine. Gregar (the quizmaster) gives me a pen and paper, for our barstaff team. I'm drinking rapidly, recalling my recent, failed romance with Lisa. I shift my gaze from the spirit shelf and beside me is a girl. Wendy introduces her as her friend and flatmate Tanya. And he as Hack, her hostel friend, but supressed smiles let me figure she knows a lot about me already. We kinda communicated thru Wendy for a while. Tanya joins our team but hardly contributes at all. Just mimics myself by staring at the liquor bottles and taking long gulps of red wine. End of round one I disappear to the mens. She didn't acknowledge me when I returned, and I started to feel uncomfortable. But Wendy was still winking at me. I ordered another bottle of wine.
"With hair like that I can't see your eyes."
She moved to look at me, but didn't. Shy. Try humour.
"Hope you don't wear sunglasses."
Her head turned a fraction, she glanced at me with one eye, hesitated,
then turned more. Automatically her hand shot up, like a shy child, to
cover her mouth and nose, fingers spread and pale. Her big blue eyes began
to learn me. I smiled. She smiled. She was acting like a mute. I liked
those eyes and could probably watch them all night. This medusa wasn't
too pretty, maybe only just passing as plain, but it wasn't to matter,
as all I was interested in were the eyes.
Throughout the quiz we drank and drank and chatted. Hours of small talk, sweet anecdotes and smiling eyes. Gradually moving our stools (and bodies) closer. At some stage Wendy whispered "Hacky please don't hurt her" to me. She had no knowledge of me ever hurting anyone or thing, so maybe this Tanya was on the rebound also.
The distractions of the quiz over, and sufficiently drunk, we started kissing bigtime. Impervious to pain I ignored her unusual gnawing technique. We both ignored the disgusted drinkers and staff. We just kept on kissing and whispering and the occasional grope. Nearly closing time so we peeled ourselves from the bar and had a breather. It was gone 2 and we were unable to find Wendy ,so we headed back to their flat. Steve and Johanna were in the kitchen eating. We were too involved to eat, too lost in each other, with no room for anything foreign. Hands tightly clasped. Johanna's sister was in one room with some guy. The lounge door was closed but we ventured in regardless. The spare mattress was behind the couch. Stark naked upon it were Wendy and a bloke I didn't know. Both too gone to care for privacy. We matched this and settled on the other couch. Clothes on, we snogged and listened to tapes and drank even more wine. She didn't mind me exploring her tits. Big, soft, white and English with large pink nipples. She is English. Occasionally Steve would wander through. He had to, to get to his room. He was a little embarassed, and even more when his girlfriend arrived and she had to witness the drunk and the disrobed. The Wendy couple occasionally grunted. Sobering slightly I remembered night kitchen. As much as I was enjoying her eyes, it couldn't last forever, not sober. And I had to finish the kitchen cleaning before it opens at 6:30am. It usually takes 2 hours. It was 5am. Acting as if madly in love she chose to go back to the hostel with me.
"Come on Stu, you can trust me - more than anyone."
"No visitors after 12 - if Pete found out..."
"Just for a coffee mate - quit being so serious!"
"Ok, but just a coffee, just the kitchen. I don't like this."
It made little difference. She got to the stairwell and freaked. Not handling the enormity of the hostel she elected to wait outside in the rain. I told her to catch a taxi home. She said she'd wait. Panicking about her likely sodden state I did the job in just half an hour. Not very clean, but clean looking. Racing outside I couldn't find her. She'd gone home after all.
I got drenched and honourably went straight back to the flat. Wendy and partner were still snoring. Tanya still up, expectant, cheeky. We listened to some Nick Drake and watched the murk lighten. Pretty soon she led me off to an empty bedroom with a double mattress on the floor. Small dark room - quite messy.
"Now that he's gone we have some privacy" she said with a cheeky grin
still on her pallid face.
"Who's He?" I enquired, quite exhausted and not too with it.
"Lol, he's gone to work."
"So we're going to use his room?" I wasn't fussed, just concerned about
stepping on toes.
"No - it's my room too - we share it." She saw my confusion and kept
smiling.
"It's all right - I use the sleeping bag - we're not lovers."
Little things were starting to bug me now, about this girl. I sat back on the bed, on the pillows, while she flittered about, trying to make the moment right. Straightening the piles of old magazines and newspapers and record albums. She put on some Leonard Cohen.
I half-listened as she drifted from whimsical subject to trendy taste, trying hard to please and impress. As I sobered up, I got more nervous, and analysed her more. The room was dim, dark curtains drawn, permanently maybe. A couple of candles and incense burning. The carpet was pocked with cigarette burns. Books on existentialism et al. Tanya's op-shop clothes strewn everywhere. She's wearing a dull blue dress, mostly covering her pale flabby legs. Hard black schoolgirl shoes and a purple cardigan like her gran might wear. She's found her hairbrush, and is using it continuously. Quite annoying and not making much difference to her dull straggly hair.
"We can listen to something different, if you like." My mind is drifting,
uninterested.
"Janis Joplin?"
"Bob Dylan?"
"Nick Drake?" She was desperately trying to gain a reaction. I managed
a weak smile,
"Nah, this is ok. Whatever."
Soon we just stared at each other. I occasionally looked away. Tanya didn't. She looked alternately expectant, frustrated and biting her lip tearful. I tried hard to look stoned and tired to hide my confusion. After 20 odd minutes it was Tanya who broke and slid in beside me and held me tenderly. I slept. When I awoke I felt quite strange - all this and no sex and no prospect of sex. I wasn't even keen, but how could I leave otherwise? She offered me breakfast, but I'd already seen the state of the kitchen and could guess her ability. Out of the mess she found a John Lennon biography, full of quotes and pictures. We read the stories and songs and wept over the photos together. I thought it was kinda nice being with someone for a change, and for a while I forgot what I was doing. We kissed and cuddled some, trying to overcome the awkwardness. To our credit we managed to discuss our individual problems. She's got agoraphobia real bad. Used to be both anorexic and bulemic (must've been a while ago - she's quite chubby now), takes pills for depression and her heart, gets possessive and is a dole bludger. Her last job lasted half a day. 20 years old. English, Norwich.
Before we got too depressed Wendy came bouncing in, loose singlet barely concealing her tits, and leggings below. She had got laid and was telling the world. He was wonderful. It must be love. She left us alone but the fantasy of a threesome just wouldn't leave my head. Newly aroused I suggested we should get drunk and do it. She agreed. Tonight. She'd reserve the spare mattress.
Lawrence (Lol) returned from work at 5. Bizarrely, we shook hands and eyed each other cautiously. Like a changing of the guard. I left them and went home. My bed had been sold by accident so I crashed on Spud's for a few hours. Not sufficiently refreshed I downed a few Becks, parading around the hostel, revelling in the "where were you last night?". Then, with only sex on my mind, I picked her up and we visited the Oyster Bar again. At her request we found the quietest table and had two pints and shallow conversation. I find it hard to stop drinking when just getting started, but she insisted and we were at her home before midnight. Trying to be romantic, Tanya suggests a bath together, and basically it failed. She had to undress with the light out, but compromised with a candle. British plumbing ensures only a tepid bath, and her butt is too big to let my legs past. And I cramp up, not unexpectantly. With few options I suggest:
"Why don't you give me a headjob?"
"No, no, I couldn't - what if I bit it off?"
"Eh?"
"I'm sorry. I'll just end up hurting you."
Sensing a mere lack of experience I tried to show her how - by inserting two fingers in her mouth. It appeared that she actually did have a problem and, recalling her kissing technique, I decided I should keep clear of her biting mouth. All I managed was to grope and feel her up. Eventually she was horny enough to forget the (now cold) bath and head for the lounge.
She set up the mattress in the middle of the room. Put on some Nick Drake, dimmed lights, closed the door, and produced condoms and baby oil. Even then it took a while, but eventually we had a good fuck, and another and another. She was very very moist, which explained why she'd changed her knickers 3 or 4 times the previous night. I felt very successful.
I awoke at 4pm. Now Tuesday. I opened my eyes to a possessed face. Her legs were astride me, as if to pin me down. And as I awoke she said "I love you" and I think she meant it.
"You're beautiful. You have the most perfect nose" (I don't)
"Go back to sleep - I love watching you." (I tried, but)
"Talk to me, say anything, your voice is just wonderful"
And so it went on. It was getting ludicrous, but she believed every
word. I returned compliments about her eyes, and only her eyes. She had
a pyschiatrist's appointment, her first one ever, and I had to go with
her. I tried to wriggle out of it - but she wouldn't go alone. She was
too scared to even hail a taxi herself. She seemed very stressed, so I
escorted her to the clinic. As I walked off she waved until I was out of
view. Then I felt happy. Just been laid, plus free of Tanya. Poor deluded
girl.
My mistake - I'd promised to pop round later to see how it went, and I did. Got there at 9pm. The mattress was still in the lounge and we lay on it. At 10 I got really tired and tried to leave. It took 3 hours to remove her grips, counter her pleas and get out the door. Tonight she introduced biting, scratching and strangling into our relationship. On her arms are scars from cigarette butts and razors. Frightening, but then again maybe deep down I like it.
Home after 1am and I explain it all to Jennifer. I'm almost in tears,
and while telling the story to her I realise what deep shit I'm really
in.
Wed 19 Aug
Up early and did some hostel chores to earn another night's bunk bed.
Had a pint and then saw the Doug Anthony All Stars at the Pleasance. Amazing
and entertaining. Move on to the Oyster Bar, Wednesdays being Perfect Day
for a Bananafish's regular gig. There, were Kaye, Chris, Panda, Ange etc
from the hostel, all of Wendy's flat, all the barstaff, and the band. I
probably knew more people than anyone. In a wonderful mood I drank and
drank. Tanya arrived late, for "Janis" had been on tv. She matched me pint
for pint until closing. Then we climbed Calton Hill and made out under
the stars. Then back to the spare mattress in the lounge and some sex.
She's still a bit frigid, or maybe reserved and didn't want me to use a
condom. At one stage I asked her to roll onto her front and got "Fuck off
- what do you think I am - a dog?" I only wished to give her a massage!
Other than that it was fine.
Thu.
Leaving at 9am was made much easier because I had a real job to start
- first day. Bought 20 copies of "The List" at their office and filled
out some forms. The scheme was to buy them for 50p and sell them on the
street for $1. The streets are crowded for the festival and should be easy.
I stand outside Pizzaland, corner of Northbridge and the Royal Mile. A
busy intersection and only twenty seconds from the hostel. Sell 6 in the
first half hour but it goes downhill after that. There are so many artists
promoting their shows with leaflets and free tickets that the last thing
tourists are going to do is pay for something. The only customers I get
are locals who buy it from the newsagents anyway. However it was an interesting
psychology lesson. Besides shouting "get yr List here!" and "just out today"
and "1000's of reviews!" I occasionally slipped in "half price for cripples!"
or "large print for old people". The only people who noticed were those
trying to eat in Pizzaland. I gave up after 3 hours, hoarse and slightly
embarassed. Otherwise I ate lots, stayed sober and walked off depression
as best I could. Bed at 10pm and well earnt.
Fri.
At noon I saw a free show at DeMarco's with Jennifer. A play about a feminist Irish pirate vs. Queen Elizabeth I. The acting was ok but the story put me to sleep. Went to the library. Applied for a job at Argos. Tried sleeping and failed. So instead I drank a bottle of wine and watched "Reservoir Dogs". Deliciously nasty. As I did night kitchen afterwards I was chatted up by a very out-going little New York girl. We spoke (mostly) of all the one-night stands she'd had with amazing men (uh-huh). When I finished up, she asked for a back-rub, and amazingly I did (I almost never gave massages). We both started getting horny, so intimate and alone on the couch. Innuendos were coming thick and fast and (both sober) we were on the verge of kiss and fuck. It's 4am and Jennifer runs downstairs.
"Wendy's on the phone. She sounds upset."
Fuck. Tanya. I vault the pool table and race to the phone. "Oh, I just
wanted to chat" says Wendy. Bitch. But we did. I explained how she had
just interrupted a probable infidelity. She's happy with her new guy. We
agree to have a big talk soon. I go to sleep at 4:30. Alone. Confused.
Powerful.
Sat.
Last night scared me. Wendy had mentioned how Tanya waits for me to phone 24 hours a day. She'd attempted suicide twice in the past, and I was feeling guilty and quite worried. Time to normalise our relationship. After breakfast I invited her out on a real date. All morning we lay on her bed, chatting and fooling around. Our first two hours of the afternoon involved me calming her fears of going outside. She had to go to the cash machine. She found her sunglasses and handbag and briefly panicked before finding her hairbrush under the duvet. As we left the flat I felt the brightness too, after being cooped up all day. She asked me to walk in front of her.
"Yeah right - you wanna look at my butt?"
"Just do it - O.K?". Her raised voice scared me, and I did as I was
told. Diplomatically she tried to explain.
"I just don't like being watched, you know. Sometimes I just can't
handle it." I slowed down a little so I was beside and a fraction in front
of her.
"Watched by who?"
"Anyone. All of this." The whole world, it appeared.
"Is that why you wear the sunglasses?"
She had stopped. Fidgeting with her handbag, head down, shoulders and hips swaying. Like a stubborn child. I asked what was wrong. She looked close to tears.
"Fuck this, I'll do it later. Let's go to the pub."
We had a couple at the local with all her Spanish flatmates, then moved
on to a comedy show that I had free tickets to. Now that it's night she
is walking more confidently. Queueing up (he's Dana Gould - recently voted
best in the world) who is behind us but Kate (the New Yorker from last
night) and a hostel nerd. I have to use all my conversational wit to avoid
problems with Tanya (Who's she? and How do you know her? etc). Survived.
Sitting next to us is Lenny Henry (really famous Brit) and the show is
brilliant. I think Tanya was quite surprised at how things can "happen"
with me in control. Afterwards there was a big party at her flat which
made it easier for me to slip away for night kitchen. After that I chatted
up Kate 'til 5:30 but she'd seen me hand in hand earlier and I failed.
Sun.
Sleep for one hour, then do breakfast. Then, as I had promised (a trade-off
for leaving early last night) to Tanya's for a "veg-out" day. Just lay
in bed and farted about and ate pizza. I had no excuse so spent the night
there. The flatmates were watching tele so we left the spare mattress in
her and Lawrence's room. Lawrence slept in there too, so no sex. Of course.
Lawrence was her boyfriend up until one year ago. They had clung together
for a long time and the break-up was nasty. But they are still together
as close friends - I wondered if she kept a collection of previous boyfriends,
and forbade them to ever leave.
Mon.
Had to run to make the hostel in time to change 150 beds. Then I took
Wendy to see Arthur Williams for only 50p. We had a fine time, and a chance
to talk about more serious things. Alas, she had to work, yet again, so
I made myself a large dish of pasta bol and a bottle of Pinot. Tara was
off to see the Wonderstuff in Livingston, halfway to Glasgow. She was going
with Lisa, the beautiful girl I was getting over. Here was my chance to
be at least good friends with her. I drank faster. But she never arrived!!
So Tara gave me Lisa's ticket and we only just made the bus and saw the
Wonderstuff. It wasn't much fun being over 18 and we sat in the empty seats
near the back. Just before the main act a single girl sat 4 or 5 rows directly
in front of us. Each time her head moved I stared intently. It was just
a longing to see Lisa. I knew that. I still stared. Tara noticed, so I
pointed out the resemblance to Lisa that the girl in front bore. Tara agreed
and went to get some beer. And rather than passing the girl, ran down the
row to her. Two happy animated wonderful girls turned to me and gave the
biggest smile they possessed. Lisa and Tara danced some, and I just watched
them. Well, mainly Lisa. Still in love I enjoyed every moment of the ride
back to Edinb. (we smuggled Lisa on board without a ticket, she'd hitched
over). Then she ran off home to her boyfriend, and, determined to do better
than Tanya, I joined all the hostel babes at Smugglers Bar. Juanita, Kathy,
Susan, Fiona. All that potential!! But Fiona had her bag stolen and the
whole evening was ruined when we formed a search party and trudged around
the Cowgate as Fiona cried.
Tues.
Donate some sperm. Not such an effort today. Change bedsheets. Lisa pops around. She tells me about "Scottish" Robert and she thinks she loves him. To make it easier all round, I tell of my "love" for Tanya and slip in the crazy part. Talk Tara and Jennifer into seeing a DeMarco play with me. Set in war-torn Tel Aviv it turned out to be complete arty wank crap. They'll never trust my judgement again. Oh well, to make things better I have lots of wine and then see "Dust Devil" at the Filmhouse. I'd seen the director's first feature (cool) and this was a festival film, and quite expensive, so I felt very angry young man because it was absolute shite. Failed to find positive dreams that night.
Wed.
Sick of the festival now. And women. Pops shouts me to yet another reworking of "Accidental Death of an Anarchist". We leave at half-time. Allison pops over from Glasgow and we do some shopping. To snap out of all the tediousness, I advertise, promote and force the idea onto hostellers: Arthur Smith - 3pm and only 50p. 17 people follow my lead and have a good time watching an alternative comedian doing a philosophy lecture interspersed with Andy Williams impersonations. Get some free tickets to a Scottish nationalist play. Continuing my normal relationship attempt with Tanya, I invite her and of course she agrees. As usual it takes forever to leave her womb-flat and we are running late. It's only a ten minute walk but she dawdles somewhat. A very chilly night and we are halfway there, walking beside Calton Hill, parklike. Once again she requested me to walk in front of her. She fell behind and stopped. Swaying and fidgetting with her handbag.
"You ok?"
"I'm feeling flushed, I better sit down." I sit with her on the parkbench
but she seems distant.
"You go on - you'll miss the play."
"If you don't feel well you ought to go home - I'll go back with you."
"No - go see your wonderful play - don't worry about me so much - I'll
wait here."
I could no longer deal with her silliness and went to the play and was
enjoying it a lot. But I left at half-time, to stop my conscience pecking
away. On the bench was a note on tissue paper, held there by a pebble.
"Hacky, gone home for a pee - T." And a wee flower was drawn on it. There
were several similar notes along the path, in case I missed the first.
Two of the Spanish flatmates are heading home and we all see them off at
the bus station. I don't feel remotely close to Tanya. I'm eyeing up Marta,
Tanya's hiding in her hair and cardigan. Wendy and Lawrence have been screwing
and not knowing what to look at. Steve is eyeing Wendy. We are all trying
to say goodbye to the Spaniards, but we arrived half an hour too early
for the bus. Awkwardness all round. Sleep in Lawrence's room with Tanya
and dream of Wendy bouncing in for a quadrangle.
Thu.
Laze around the hostel all day. Can't be bothered doing anything. Aim
of the night is to get Fiona drunk and fuck her (she leaves tomorrow).
Take Fiona and Susan to the world Premiere of Polanski's latest. Then we
walk down Princes St. in the rain for a fireworks spectacular set to classical
music. Can't get the Tanya/Wendy conundrum out of my mind and fail to charm
on what could've been a very romantic evening. The girls went home for
an early night, or so they said. And I spent 5 hours wandering from pub
to club to hostel. Drinking pints and bottles of wine. Most of the pubs
are too full for my claustrophobia, or too empty for my misery. In complete
dispair, Wendy phones at 3am and we have a drunken surreal chat that lasts
forever. She decides to return to Oz in a fortnight. Sleep soundly in a
swirl.
Fri.
Saw some shows. Had arranged to stay with Tanya this night. The reason
was to see a movie on tv, but I'd got my days muddled. The movie was tomorrow
night. I explained that to her, on purpose, that I wouldn't have bothered
if I new the movie wasn't on. She got her revenge by us having sex during
her period - the point being that no condom was needed. Her personality
disorders were becoming more apparent and I decided to get out of this
muddle as soon as it is safe.
Sat.
Yesterday I had taken all my poems along for her to read. A shoebox full. Of course she'd love them all. Last week I'd given her a poem, which I said was written especially for her. Too late I realised that the original version, for Heather, was amongst my piles of poems. Before she happened upon it, I told her the truth, and rightly so she was furious. She was tearful, angry and physical.
"How can you leave me feeling this way - do you realise how low you make me feel - you're nothing but a fake, your whole personality, your whole life is false - to think I believed in you - no way are you leaving me now" etc etc. I tried explaining how she, her room, her personality made me more claustrophobic then ever, and how hard I was fighting it for her sake. Once in artificial passion I had said "I love you" and she asked me to repeat it now. And I couldn't. Couldn't lie.
After 4 hours of barrage and misery and psychosis I managed to leave.
Saw Nic Roeg's latest movie. CRAP. Went on Arthur Smith's 3am alternative
Royal Mile tour, and despite being staggeringly drunk I failed to enjoy
his rain-drenched entertainment.
Sun.
Hungover. Sheets. See Sandra Bernhardt's movie, as recommended my Nic
Roeg (my favorite director). CRAP. Very miserable and very drunk again.
Spent yet another night with Tanya. I didn't want to, but I had to retrieve
my poems before she burnt them or something. More awkward unprotected period
sex. Getting boring because sexually she is flabby, un-coordinated and
uninspired. CRAP!!
Mon.
My back is now out. HELL. Same old process happened, and I managed to
leave at 4. With my poems. 15 minute walk home took over an hour, 90% of
me in pain, and 10% relishing it. I now completely hate (but feel sorry
for) Tanya. Slept long and soberly solemn. Consider myself to be free and
single.
Tues.
It's Tara's last day in Edinburgh so we see two "Theatre for Africa"
plays together, and a long chatty walk around town. In the evening it's
goodbye drinks at Bannermans. Scott and I are hitting on some teenage sisters
from England. And I'm surrounded by other female hostel possibilities.
So good to be free. Then there's a phonecall at the bar for Robert Bast.
It's Tanya (who has never ever phoned me - she's too scared to). She needs
me. It's important. I explain that I have a duty to protect Tara on her
last night and I'll be around before 3 (should be enough time to screw
someone). Forget the 17-yr-old and start chasing Kathy (not knowing that
she's with Yago now - so out of touch lately) and fail. End up at Sneeky's
with Lisa. Tell her some drunken truths, but can't remember what. Fail
with her, as expected. Get to Tanya's at 4. She's PISSED OFF. I'm a BASTARD.
I break down with tears gushing. It's like I'm being punished for liking
women. I'd been as kind as possible and she makes me feel like shit. More
sex and I fail at that too.
Wed.
Most of the day I half sleep, half pretend to sleep. I just want to
up and leave. Without being rude it's impossible. Of course it becomes
yet another drawn out, painful, argueing seperation - I only need to stretch
and she accuses me of leaving. I escape at 4. Late at night she phones
me and and begs for a dinner date sometime, just dinner, her shout. I said
yes, too nice for my own sanity. Psycho-altruism? No, sadistic altruism.
Thu.
Sex has my back ok again, what a tonic. Just eat and see some plays.
Talk to a few mates about my problems with Tanya. They haven't even met
her, but she gets tagged the "axe-weilding maniac". All the advice is the
same - just never go near her again. It was that simple.
Fri.
See a movie with Wendy. She apologises for setting me up with Tanya. She understands how I feel and agrees that I should never see Tanya again. Wendy's approval means a lot to me. Drink a lot in the hostel. Stu and an Ozzie girl - Claudia, invite me to the pub. I'm just walking out the front door, 5 seconds too slow, and the phone rings. Tanya needs help to shift stuff to her new flat (her new life). She's at home, alone. Have a quick half at Smugglers and promise to meet Claudia later at the Jolly Judge. Then, for the last time, head off, to be nice to Tanya. Tanya, after all that, can't shift until someone is at her new flat (to let her in). She does phone often, but no reply. I am feeling really awkward, twiddling my thumbs, feeling claustrophobic. Eager to get away, to see Caludia, I try to leave - after waiting for several hours and having arguments. NO WAY. We had been drinking wine in the kitchen. As I stood to explain, she raced to the door, slamming it closed, and formed a human barricade. The psychotic side I feared and suspected was now exhibiting itself. No mercy, no politeness, I wanted out. We talked and screamed for an eternity, until the phone rang...
"If I answer it, you'll just leave, WON'T YOU!" (sobbing).
"I won't, promise." I ooze sincerity like never before and
"It's probably your new flat..."
"If you move, I'll kill you."
She moved to the phoned, watching me with the most intensely evil eyes imaginable. The moment she glanced away I bolted. Grabbed my trenchcoat and fumbled the front door lock. She wormed between me and the door, fingernails attacking and teeth bared like a vampire. "Kiss me you bastard". We did, long and hard, drawing blood. Gasping for breath, I managed "But I'm still going." We kissed again as I forced her aside and unlocked the door. I hurried down the stairwell, blocking it with my arms spread wide, trusting that she wouldn't push me. I had difficulty with the street entrance lock too, and she tried trapping me again. I lashed out, sending her to the floor, got outside, and ran up the street. Behind me she was screaming, desperately crying out
"I LOVE YOU, you CAN'T LEAVE!"
"PLEASE!"
I was running fast. I was too scared to look back - in case she was still following - in case she'd leapt into the traffic. Minutes later I slowed to a walk and felt such incredible exuberance. I considered how I would feel if she was to kill her self. I considered I wouldn't feel a thing.
Jolly Judge was closed, so I drank much more at the hostel. At 2 I learnt
that Darren, Kathy and Marta are out having a session. Go searching for
them. They're not at Sneekys, but a very drunk Claudia and some Kiwi pals
of hers are. Have a couple, and cuddle and walk Claudia to the hostel.
Fill her with water, and feeling very chivalrous, send her off with a kiss
in a taxi.
Sat.
Claudia comes around and we see a play together - well, the bits we
didn't sleep thru. Went for a long walk, had a Burger King meal with Stu
and then visited her Kiwi mate who had somehow scammed free board at one
of the flashiest penthouse pads in the city. The owner was on holiday (!).
We all sunk into the carpet, had a spa bath, and got drunk and snorted
speed. Many pubs later we were at the kebab shop at 5. For some reason
drunken Claudia (although technically) wasn't sexually attractive to me.
As if Tanya was?? Anyway, I give it a miss and go home. A letter from Tanya
awaits me. She'd hand delivered it. I chuck, and then try to read the convoluted
pyscho-babble in the toilet, over a beer. Can't finish the beer. Struggle
upstairs and Stu tells me my bed was sold by accident. Now 6am and I crash
in Stu's bed. Stu's spinning bed.
Sunday
One hour later. Stu has two mattresses and I was expecting him at this
time, he'd just crash on the other one. I hear him come in. I hear some
giggles. Female giggles. With great effort I open my eyes to one of the
most stunning woman I'd ever seen. In bed. With Stu. I fluff an apology,
pull on my jeans, grab my shoes and scarper. Take my uniform back to the
castle, because I'm broke. They'll post my cheque. Great - I'm down to
3 pounds. Sleep all afternoon. Laze around. Eat some steak (my reaction
to being broke is to eat the most expensive food in the freezer). Tonight
is Johanna's farewell party. At THAT flat. Undecided until Kris and Ange
invite me to go with them. All my friends will be there, they've all heard
my story by now, they'll protect me from her. Wasn't much of a party -
a few Spaniards, the flatmates, a handful of hostellers, spread between
the lounge and kitchen. I found a bottle of brandy (thank goddess) and
sucked on it. The music was low, conversations overheard. I chatted with
Kris. Kathy was with Yago and flashing eyes at me. Lawrence and Wendy getting
friendly on the couch, Tanya trying to manouvure between them and avoid
eye contact with me. Frustrated, Wendy takes me to her bed, we sit on it,
and talk serious shit. Must've talked for hours, for before we realised
it, the "party" was over, my hostel friends all gone. And Tanya was outside
the (open) bedroom door, eavesdropping. We dropped our voices and then
had to wait until 3 before she gave in and went to bed. Only then did I
feel safe leaving. Thank God Wendy has such patience with me.
Mon.
Phone Glasgow and they don't need me until Wed. I have 40p left. Kat arrives back from 4 months travelling. She's also broke, but buys me one at the Oyster Bar. I'm happy to see her. I missed her!! She can crash with Wendy (Johannna's bed). I need to get drunk with her, so try every money machine in town. The last one left gives me an advance on my visa, and we hit the Queen St. Oyster Bar to see a band. At closing I drop her off at the other Oyster Bar with Wendy. Tanya had been there earlier, got pissed, and took some guy home.
Tues.
Walk all over town with Kat, organising a Greek flight for her. Big gig party at the Variety Bar with Rob and Len doing stuff. Dizzily drunk and Juanita drags me to Sneekys (oh-oh). She is a tall leggy blonde with a fat ass and huge tits. And the most dazzling smiling face and frizzy hair and eyes that you just want to please. Bizarrely she looks like my cat, back in NZ, the princess of all things. Too drunk to drink we have a meandering conversation and getting edgy I ask her
"Do you want me to kiss you?"
"No."
We go home. I chuck and crash.
THE END (except for the bit where a couple of years later we got married etc)
